The Blotter: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do 

Lost Love A 25-year-old Raleigh woman made a trip to the Queen City last week after learning the hard way that she was not only getting a divorce — she was already divorced. The woman told police that she was at work one day when the suspect, who represented the man she thought was still her husband, came by to "collect" her vehicle on behalf of the husband. The woman asked him what right he had to take the car, and the man told her that she was officially divorced three months earlier, and that, unbeknownst to her, he had forged her signature on official divorce papers in the Mecklenburg County Courthouse at that time.

Ballsy Move Police responded to a shoplifting call at Kate Spade in SouthPark last week after a conspicuous suspect began shoving purses in his pants in the middle of the store. According to the report, the man first shoved a black purse worth $328 down the front of his pants, and may have gotten away with it, but he got greedy. He then took a green version of the purse, and this time left the store with it in his hands. When security followed him out, they found him in a hallway shoving the green one down his pants, and while searching him eventually found the black one, too.

Selfie On September 13, 2017, Apple became self-aware. A 51-year-old man living in the Montibello neighborhood in south Charlotte called police after his phone got a little creepy. The man told police that the phone inexplicably began taking pictures of his daughter all on its own one day at around 6:30 p.m. The man is unaware whether the phone was hacked by some third party or if its AI just has a crush on his daughter.

Nobody Home Three men entered a gas station in southeast Charlotte with the intentions of robbing it late at night last week, but it's hard to rob a place when nobody is around. The employee working at the Circle K on Monroe Road told police he saw the men coming at around 2:30 a.m. and knew they were up to no good, so he hid inside the store. The men eventually left the business without taking anything, and the employee called police. A responding K9 unit found the suspects driving in a car, and a short chase occurred. Two of the three suspects were rounded up after fleeing the vehicle, while a third remains at large.

Let's Go Camping Police responded to a home in north Charlotte last week after a burglar broke in and made some odd decisions once they were inside. According to the report, the suspect entered through an open garage and then kicked the door in that led to the house. The man then stole a light fixture from the wall and took the fake logs from the fireplace — logs that are created for gas fire places and literally will not burn.

Fun in the Sun Every once in a while, we come across a police report that leaves more questions than answers, and this is one of those times. A report filed at a home in Uptown near the Johnson & Wales University campus makes it sound as if something odd happened during last month's solar eclipse that is now affecting the house's alarm system, but how that came about we have no idea. The report states that on August 21, "at an unknown time during the solar eclipse," someone installed a solar-powered light on the chimney of a nearby complex, and that the fixture now shines directly into the window of the residence where the "victim" in this incident — an elderly woman — lives, and it has continuously disrupted her alarm system ever since its installation.

Bad Faith The suspect in a theft at a church in south Charlotte may have gotten away with their crime for the time being, but they'll be going straight to hell come Judgment Day. According to the report, the suspect forcibly removed a donation box from the wall at Coptic Orthodox Church of St. Mark on Shasta Lane. Church staff was unsure of how much money was in the box, but they estimate the thief made off with about $4,000. In an unrelated but equally cold-hearted incident, a staff member at Goodwill called police after catching two people rummaging through donated items outside and taking what they pleased. The suspects were stopped after trying to leave with a picture frame and a plastic bin full of miscellaneous items.

One That Got Away A 40-year-old man filed a police report last week after someone vandalized his car and his northwest Charlotte home. Although he didn't catch anyone in the act, he told police he knows who did it. The man came out to his parked car one morning last week to find two flat tires, then also found that someone had sliced through four window screens in front of his home. The heartbreaker told police that, although he did not see any suspects, he just knows it was a former girlfriend. Let me guess, the crazy one?

Cool Down Period A 56-year-old man called police last week after an argument over temperature got so serious that he feared for his safety. The man told police that he got into an argument over the thermostat with a man who was staying at the same boarding house as him in southwest Charlotte. The other man threatened him, and according to the victim, "the threat was delivered in such a manner that he believed it would be carried out."