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The Blotter: Cheap Date 

Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files

Cheap Date Employees at a Ruby Tuesday in southwest Charlotte called police recently after a deadbeat Romeo left them high and dry after a date. The reporting staff member told officers that a man and his date came to eat a meal and were there for about two and a half hours, building up a tab of $64.29. The man placed $80 on the table and walked his date out to the car, only for employees to find out soon after that all four bills were counterfeit.

Lifetime Supply Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime. Order a frappe at the local Starbucks, be caffeinated for an hour. Steal a coffee machine from the local Starbucks, stay caffeinated for life. This is the proverb one man was living by when he picked up a $300 Verismo coffee machine from the Starbucks at Morrocroft Village shopping center in south Charlotte and walked right out the door with it. He'll decide what he calls a goddam medium coffe from here on out.

Slipped The typical south Charlotte 911 call came in last week when officers had to reluctantly respond to Blakeney shopping center on a recent afternoon because a woman's pampering went wrong. The 46-year-old victim filed a report stating that she "received a cut on her cuticle while getting her nails done."

Drink Up A 36-year-old woman working at the Park 2300 Apartments in southeast Charlotte had to bear the brunt of a tenant's anger recently after the latter had been evicted. The victim told police that the tenant came to her office after learning of the eviction and took the victim's coffee off of her desk and threw it at the victim's white shirt (doing $30 damage). To literally add insult to injury, the tenant then shattered the victim's coffee mug on the ground before storming out.

Think Fast A 57-year-old man learned the hard way that he should probably just mind his business if any fellow Walmart shoppers are getting on his nerves. Police responded to a Walmart on East Independence Boulevard in response to an assault call after the victim, who did not work at the store, said he confronted a stranger about bouncing a basketball in the building. The suspect obliged him by bouncing the ball off of his face instead of the floor, then leaving the store before police could arrive.

Mother! 'Tis the season to get together with your family and share in yuletide greetings, unless of course your mother recently assaulted you and poured wine on your head. It will make for an awkward holiday for one such family living in the University area, after a 17-year-old girl reported to police that her mother punched her in the head and threw a glass of wine on her.

Credit Report A 29-year-old south Charlotte man made the horrible realization that his identity was stolen just before Christmas, but after investigating things further, he found that he might set a Blotter record for worst identity theft we've ever seen. The victim found that, going all the way back to December 14, 2016, a suspect used his name, addresses (current and former) and Social Security number to open accounts with Verizon; Verizon Wireless; Capital One; AT&T; Citibank credit cards; Discover Financial; Fannie Mae; NRRM, LLC; GE Capital, Fifth Third Bank, Barclays Bank, Nationwide Insurance, USAA Federal Savings Bank and Transunion Interactive.

That's the Secret We're not for profiling of any sort, nor are we for stop and frisk, but it's safe to say that if you're a teen carrying a shit ton of weed around in a backpack at 1 a.m., you're not really fooling anyone by using a backpack that depicts a kids' movie. Police in the Boulevard Homes neighborhood in west Charlotte recently arrested two juveniles after finding out that they were holding live ammunition and $5,400 worth of a "green leafy substance" (what police call weed until they're able to officially test it) in a backpack that depicted the kid's movie Secret Life of Pets.

Sword and Shield Police responded to a bank robbery in Dilworth recently that was carried out with what seems to be improvised weapons. Witnesses told officers that a man walked into PNC Bank on East Boulevard holding a rod and grabbed a customer, then used that person as a human shield while demanding money from the teller. The suspect made off with an unlisted amount of money, but was not as clever with his getaway, as he was arrested a short distance from the bank.

Unemployable A 23-year-old woman filed a police report recently after a man seeking employment proved himself unemployable when he was not even able to keep it in his pants for the extent of a job interview. The woman, who works for an employment agency in Uptown, said she was speaking with the man about potential jobs over Skype at around 11:30 a.m. when he suddenly began masturbating. This is one of those reports where if the police actually named the suspect, we'd have been more than happy to publish his name.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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