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The Blotter: Fuck Your Flag 

Bizzare crime from Charlotte police files (May 4-10)

Burn Them All A 61-year-old man filed a police report last week after someone damaged his property through an act of arson. The man called police after someone set fire to a Confederate flag outside of his southwest Charlotte home. A lot of these so-called victims end up being attention seekers who damage their own property so they can spread blame in the media, although this could potentially be a true act of vandalism. Either way, we find it funny.

If You Got 'Em A 19-year-old man was robbed of his iPhone by two men while walking in east Charlotte last week, and they even took the items that could have helped him through the stressful situation. The man reported that the two guys took his phone, his pack of cigarettes and even his lighter. As they ran away, the victim yelled, "Want me to smoke them for you, too?" we hope.

Since You're Here A delivery driver called police to report a customer last week after the suspect pulled what could be called the opposite of a dine and dash. The suspect called Domino's to order some pizza and other food, for an order that totaled $33.76. He then waited for the driver to arrive at his home in southwest Charlotte, at which time he decided to inform the driver that he didn't actually have any money, but said he would still take the pizza. Police responded and charged the hungry suspect with fraud through false pretense/swindling.

Fur-ticked Off Police responded to Elevation Church in Ballantyne last week after someone committed a vandalism crime that was both anti-religious and ableist. According to the report, three unknown suspects used a permanent marker to draw upside-down crosses "and other markings" all over the handicapped ramp at the church. It's unclear at this point what the handicapped people did to rile up the vitriolic vandals. Why not draw an LGBT rainbow on the stairs, too?

Claim Your Car Another bizarre incident involving handicapped accessibility but not handicapped people occurred near the Hidden Valley neighborhood last week, and the police are now holding onto a car and waiting for the owner to come forward and claim it. Police came across a blue Chrysler 200 parked in a handicapped space without any tags, still running with nobody around. After looking around for the owner, officers searched the car before having it towed out of the spot. They found a .40-caliber handgun, an assault rifle and more than 50 rounds of ammunition in the car. Officers ran the weapons to see if they had been stolen, which they hadn't, but officers are still interested in speaking to the owner.

What's Your Sleep Number A Fort Mill woman suffered through a startling incident when she ran over a mattress while driving on I-485 in southwest Charlotte last week, but at least there was nobody sleeping on it at the time. The woman said she was driving in the center lane with cars on both sides of her, so she was unable to avoid the multiple mattresses that suddenly appeared before her on the interstate. Luckily, she was driving a GMC truck, although she was pulling an enclosed trailer. Both the truck and trailer were damaged, but the woman was uninjured, and no other accidents involving the mysterious mattresses were reported.

Shotgun Sweeps Sometimes while cleaning your home, you may find an old pair of shoes or a photo you haven't seen in a while — if you're lucky maybe even a $20 bill. But one woman was shocked to find an instrument of death laying around her home while she carried out spring cleaning last week. The woman reported finding a 20-gauge Sears & Roebuck shotgun that she had never seen before. She turned the shotgun in, along with the shells she found alongside it, before her husband came home and tempted her to use it.

Big Night Ahead A man was confronted as he attempted to steal some items for what appeared to be a date night he had planned last week, but he wasn't missing his special evening without a fight. Security officers from the Target in Blakeney reported that the man attempted to steal a pair of stud earrings, two bottles of wine and a tube of Trojan lubricant. When two security officers tried to stop the man from leaving the store, he assaulted both of them, but was eventually taken into custody and also found to be in possession of Xanax and digital scales.

Don't Touch One would think an incident of molestation at a local middle school would have garnered some media attention last week, but hardly anyone blinked an eye when a juvenile was charged with the crime at Martin Luther King, Jr. Middle School. That's probably because he was not charged with molesting any people but with "molestation of fire detection equipment," for allegedly pulling the fire alarm when he knew there was no fire. Maybe it's time to change that terminology.

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