The Blotter: Two Saws, One Door 

Leatherface One in the hand beats two in the bush. But two in the hand helps when security guards push. A man decided to better his odds while trying to steal a chainsaw from a Home Depot on Albemarle Road in east Charlotte last week by grabbing two before heading for the door. The man was confronted by security before he could exit the store, but quickly dropped one of the chainsaws and made his escape with just one, costing the store $350.

Warp Speed Not all shoplifters can make off with something as cool as a chainsaw, sometimes you just have to grab what you can and go. That was apparently the case for one thief at a Walmart in the Arboretum last week, as it was reported that the suspect left the building at 4:19 p.m. with an empty binder for DVDs and two Star Wars Millennium Falcon LEGO sets.

We Will Rock You A 50-year-old Waxhaw woman filed a police report last week after she says her car was attacked by a complete stranger while she drove it. The woman told officers that she was driving her Nissan Rogue down Randolph Road when she stopped for a red light. That's when the suspect drove up next to her and suddenly threw a rock at her driver's side door and then drove off. The rock luckily missed the window, but did do $500 in damage to the door. The victim told police she had no idea why the suspect would want to harm her or her car.

Faking and Entering Police responded to a call of a B&E in northeast Charlotte last week but ended up filing a non-criminal report after a 61-year-old woman realized she has the worst son ever. The report does not give much details as to how the situation unfolded, but simply states that at some time between 12:40 and 2:30 p.m., "the victim's son played a prank on the victim by staging a break-in" at her home in the Brantley Oaks neighborhood. What sort of inheritance are you waiting on that you want to put your poor mother in an early grave?

Wikileaks A 68-year-old Charlotte man filed a police report last week after realizing that someone had broken into an empty property that he owned, and had done so in a way that left the home vulnerable to the elements. The man called police to the Villa Heights home after realizing that at some point between June 14 and June 20, an unknown suspect had removed a smoke alarm and multiple light fixtures from the home. To make matters worse, the suspect had apparently drilled through the roof of the home, allowing rain to get in and do more damage to the house. In the end, $150 worth of property was stolen while $200 in damage was done.

Wet Bandits In yet another leaky incident, police responded to a house in the Seven Oaks community of northeast Charlotte after a 52-year-old woman alleged that the suspect did $1,000 in damage to her kitchen ceiling by intentionally flooding the bathroom above it. It's unclear from the report whether the suspect lived in the house or even knew the victim.

Dr. Feel Good A suspect was arrested at a massage parlor on Arrowhead Road in northeast Charlotte last week, and the list of charges started out mundane but went downhill pretty fast. According to the report, the suspect was arrested for massaging without a license. OK, not so bad, probably only worthy of a citation. But alas, the suspect was also arrested for prostitution. Now things are starting to look dire. But hey, it's the world's oldest profession. We're not here to shame any sex workers. However, to top it off, police charged the suspect with conspiring and engaging in the sale of illegal drugs, namely Xanax. The top Google reviewer for this place was right, it does sound like a good place to relax.

Ghost Sniper It's not so out of the ordinary for folks at the airport to become so enraged or drunk (or both) that they do something drastic, usually ending in damage to property. However, what is out of the ordinary is for a large window to just shatter and nobody to know what happened to it. That's what happened at Charlotte Douglas International Airport last week, as police there reported that a window on the sixth floor of the hourly parking deck appeared to have been damaged by a blunt object or a pellet of some sort. Reporting officers watched surveillance footage, which only showed the window break, without anyone standing around it.

Group Effort A lesson to be learned from the Ocean's Eleven heist movies: Only bring along the least amount of people needed to do the job. That helps reduce the risks of a weak link and, more importantly, helps increase the take for each party involved. This was not the strategy for one group of amateurs, who recently hit up China Buffet in Independence Boulevard, but brought too big of a team. According to the report, it took four suspects to run out of the business with a tip jar, which employees believed to be holding about $230. I'd be damned if I were the one holding the jar and any of my three dumb friends wanted a share of that money. (I don't condone stealing, period. I'm just saying.)

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.