The Blotter: Who's Chicken? 

Food Fight The chicken was flying at a convenience store in SouthPark last week after two employees decided that the break room wasn't big enough for the both of them. Police responded to a Circle K on Fairview Road in response to an assault call and found two victim/suspects, as they're called when both people go to town on each other. The first woman, 34 years old, told officers that at some point between 6 and 8 a.m., her 36-year-old co-worker threw away the food that the younger woman had left on the table in the break room. The younger woman then went and filled up a chicken box, but the older woman wasn't having that either — she knocked the box of chicken out of the younger woman's hands, eager to see her starve, apparently. After that, the younger woman pushed the older one down to the ground before trying to leave the break room, but the older woman got up and punched the younger one right in her empty stomach.

People of Walmart Walmart is a notorious for the way it treats its employees, so I can hardly blame one woman who management recently found had been taking money from the store at will and spreading the wealth. But here's the thing: Walmart is always watching. Management eventually found out that the suspect was stealing and called police, informing officers that she had taken $50 from the register, and would regularly give extra change to friends and family, or simply take display merchandise from the floor when nobody was looking. In an unrelated incident, a 47-year-old employee at a Walmart on Albemarle Road told police that he was threatened by a customer who was upset with him and stated, "I'm going to come back here and shoot your head off."

Deposit This Fist A property manager in University City filed a police report last week after he had to inform one of his tenants that he wouldn't be receiving his deposit back, and the tenant didn't take it so lightly. Officers responded to the University Terrace apartments after a student responded to the news that he wouldn't be receiving his deposit by returning to his room and punching multiple holes in the walls. He was charged with vandalism and now faces a $500 debt that he won't be able to pay off with his deposit. And don't forget court fees!

Pissed Off Police responded to an assault call in the Mount Holly area last week and found that the weapon used in the crime had already absorbed into the ground — and the clothes of the victim. OK, now let me tell you why I gagged when I wrote that sentence. According to the report, the victim, a 46-year-old woman, told officers that at 4:15 p.m. on a recent afternoon, "the suspect threw a cup of urine on the victim." What the report does not answer is the obvious question: Why would you be carrying that around in the first place?

Fool Me Once A 56-year-old woman in north Charlotte fell victim to a scam that had even me scratching my head last week, and then she fell victim to it a few more times for good measure. According to the report, the woman bought an iTunes gift card at a Food Lion on Sunset Road, but was "led to believe that the card was defective," and that she needed to call iTunes support. When she called that number, the person on the other end told her to read them the number, then go back to the store and buy another card, then read that number off to them. The person on the phone kept telling her they would eventually double her money for her troubles when they got the problem figured out, but they never did, and she returned to the store to buy more cards six times before realizing that she was being scammed and wasn't really talking to iTunes support at all. In all, the woman was bilked out of $900.

Earn It Crime doesn't pay, but some times it really can improve your station in life, as it did for one west Charlotte burglar last week. A 41-year-old called police after realizing that someone had stolen a ton of property from the garage of his Westerly Hills home at some point during the month of December. The list of stolen merchandise included his license plate, two iPhones, two hoverboards, a 193-piece toolbox and tennis shoes. Listed last among the stolen property: the victim's college degree from Belmont Abbey College. The suspect apparently did not know that having someone else's degree in his possession will not land him a job, but you can't blame him for trying.

Paint Job A 37-year-old man filed a police report after someone gave his 2011 Chevrolet Camaro a makeover without his permission. The man told police he awoke one morning to find that someone had poured an entire can of pink paint over the top of the car. By the time he found it, the paint had dried and done $500 in damage.

Feng Shui A 37-year-old woman called police terrified last week after someone broke into her property and tried to improve the flow. The woman called police to her east Charlotte home and told them that someone had cut the lock of her fence and gone into her backyard. She told officers the suspect moved some things around in the yard, but didn't steal anything.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.