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Monday, June 13, 2011
Don't Do This Taking a bite out of bad pick-up lines
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 12:58 PM
There are better ways of going about getting a woman's attention ... than just walking up and biting her in the shoulder, then as she screams in pain say, "You smell good and look yummy." Such as the guy who did that to me the other night while I was minding my business talking to my girlfriends at the dive Tropicana.
What do I look like, a stack of pancakes?
I felt like slapping Jack, but I didn't. I just swatted my finger in front of his face and said, "No" like he was a dog. He did just bite me after all. Should I maybe get a rabies shot?
What. The. F%$#?
Has the vampire craze in Hollywood got guys acting like vampires? Or do they really exist? Because now I've developed a slight fear of them and have looked into garlic accessories.
What's even weirder about this is the fact this isn't the first time this has happened to me. That said, I feel the need to say that this is not the best way to pick up women. In fact, it may be the worst. Right in front bragging about how much money you have. Both equally annoying.
Make your mark in a better way than leaving teeth marks.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Dating and Mating / Blind Leading the Blind Unpack those bags!
Posted By Brittney Cason on Fri, Jun 10, 2011 at 2:44 PM
Baggage. We all have it.
And the older we get, the more baggage we accumulate. Ex-wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, emotional scars, resentments, debt, alimony payments, real estate, reputation, etc. etc. Basically anything in your past life that you still carry around with you. (Kids do not count as baggage, for the record. They're more of a positive thing, like a package deal.) Baggage is the crap that is weighing you down and keeping you from getting to where you want to go, and in turn, making you appear like a hoarder, and a lot less appealing to future travel partners.
Take a load off why don't you.
Don't journey into a new relationship carrying all your souvenirs and remnants of failed relationships past.
Don't be a hoarder. Throw out your junk so you can make room in your suitcase for new things. Heal wounds and throw out resentment. And show your next travel partner what's in your suitcase — so they can decide if they want to help you carry that baggage or not.
Think of it this way. When you start dating someone, it's like going on a honeymoon. The two of you sail off into your own little world where you get to know one another. If you're carrying around baggage from your past relationships, you'll max out your luggage allowance and not have room to pack new memories.
Perhaps relationships should be like airlines and start charging a checked luggage fee. Pack lightly so everything fits into a carry-on.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Dating and Mating / Don't Do This Artificial Sweetener Daddies
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Jun 9, 2011 at 3:42 PM
Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on date, boy pays for first date: That's the typical evolution of a new relationship. But in some cases I've seen, boy starts paying for a lot more than the wining and dining, and this new relationship starts to evolve into a business deal instead.
I know a girl who has a new overpriced designer purse (that is just as functional as my little Target bag, but that's neither here nor there) every time I see her. She also always has her hair freshly done from a salon, a spray tan, a new expensive outfit, and her nails done. And she all of a sudden traded up her 2003 Honda for a brand-new BMW.
Did I mention she's a student and bartender? So what gives? ... she found a new boyfriend, that's what gives. Literally.
A boyfriend who always wants her to look her best, so thus spoils her with the means to so she can, for him. But the kicker is, he shows no real interest in taking their relationship any further. He gives her gifts, and she gives him her gift. The golden booty barter.
"Isn't that just legalized prostitution?" my non-filtered mouth blurted out.
She got defensive, claiming they're in love, but this guy is rarely around, and when she does see him, he just comes over to her place and uses her like a pre-paid booty call. She's never met his friends, and aside from the evidence of material things, he's like an imaginary boyfriend to her friends.
... I wouldn't exactly call that a meaningful relationship.
But I don't carry a gavel to work, so who am I to judge? All I know is that material things or monetary goods given for the exchange of sex is, in fact, prostitution.
She may not realize it, but she has herself a Sugar Daddy. Or as I like to call them, an Artificial Sweetener Daddy.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Happy Hump Day Wear protection: Like finger condoms
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Jun 8, 2011 at 2:34 PM
Last weekend when I went out on Lake Norman, I garnered a new nickname: Captain Safety.
That's because I spent the entire day with a dolphin-shaped floatation device around my waist, a Steeplechase sized hat, and enough SPF to keep an Albino white — and then proceeded to go around and tell everyone to wear protection.
You can never be too careful in the sun ... or in the bedroom. Going into both unprotected can leave you with a burning sensation.
When I was at Whisky River the other night, the bartender, Marky Mark, noticed my Sponge Bob Square Pants band-aid covering my pinky when I reached out to grab my "Slutty Shirley Temple " from him.
So, being the good bartender he is, he reached into his pocket and handed me this ...
A finger condom.
Apparently these are used to cover small wounds on the hands to keep the band-aid in place and protect the wound, keeping it sanitary. And to prevent you from contaminating everything you touch. You can get them at drug stores. What's a better look — wearing a mini condom on your pinky or a little kids band-aid?
I got really excited about these finger condoms. Now my ex can get condoms that fit him .... kidding.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Dating and Mating The story of a girl and her elongated uvula
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, Jun 7, 2011 at 9:38 AM
I have an elongated uvula — that flap of skin that dangles between your tonsils in the back of your throat. And when I breathe, it whistles. I whistle while I sleep — snore, if you will.
That's right, I am one of the 45 percent of Americans who experience occasional snoring, particularly when my allergies flare up or I've been drinking.
My best friends whom I've had since high school know this all too well about me, so they give me my own room on girl's trips. And my boyfriends and cuddle buddies past unfortunately are well aware of this too. I've woken up with a pillow fort build around my head before. That was a nice gesture, as I'm sure he wanted to suffocate me.
I went to Charlotte Eye Ear Nose & Throat Associates clinic to get this checked out, which entailed getting a long cord with a light shoved up my nose and down my throat.
"Let's get this fixed so you can have a boyfriend at least," the nurse said to me.
I learned of my nasal deformity and was given a prescription nasal spray to open my passages and was taught some useful tips to avoid snoring, which will come in handy for your next sleepover.
• Alcohol relaxes the muscles in your tongue and throat and causes you to snore ... so don't pass out.
• Obstructed nasal passages from allergies and colds clog your nose, thus breathing becomes snoring ... so rinse with a Neti-pot before bed.
• Being overweight is one of the major symptoms of snorers ... so that's more motivation to not get fat.
• Avoid sleeping pills, sleep on your side rather than your back, and tilt the head of your bed upwards four inches ... so make your own little pillow fort.
Bulky throat tissue, a deviated septum and sleep apnea are other causes of snoring. Surgery is an option, but I'm a holistic hippie, so I found some herbal supplements to help: Passiflora Incarnata and Scuttelaria Latenflora. I could go on about the dangers of sleep apnea and encourage you to also make an appointment at Charlotte Eye Ear Nose & Throat, but I don't want to put you to sleep and make you start snoring. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Monday, June 6, 2011
Single-Taken-It's Complicated Boyfriends to manfriends
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Jun 6, 2011 at 1:23 PM
I'm sure I can speak for all the single ladies when I say that we don't want boyfriends. Because we don't want a boy ... we want a man. So why don't they call them manfriends?
Sure, boyfriends can mature into husbands, but we want a man from the get-go in a relationship, without having to marry him. But calling a guy a husband doesn't necessarily make him a man either — it's his actions and integrity that do that.
Women want a real man to protect us — not a little boy we have to raise and take the cookie away from when they've been bad.
A boyfriend is what you have in high school. A manfriend is someone who knows how to treat a lady and make her feel like a woman — not a girl. For example, he's someone who knows how to conduct himself in public with his woman, and understands the difference between being protective and overprotective. A manfriend will provide for a woman however he can, be it help her fix her car so the mechanic doesn't take advantage of her. Or take the car to the mechanic himself. A manfriend is just that a man. And a friend.
And men-friends, we'll be real women, not girls, for you.
Although, anyone who believes in The Bronx Tale's test theory, in which a real woman is one who, after you open her door for her, will reach over and unlock the door for you. Since the invention of automatic locks, we can't exactly pass the test.
Boys 2 Men ... ABC, BBD.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Sex and the Queen City / Random.com Are you the next Emily Maynard? The Bachelor auditions in Charlotte
Posted By Brittney Cason on Fri, Jun 3, 2011 at 2:50 PM
The LadyCats aren't the only ones holding auditions this month.
ABC's The Bachelor is coming back to Charlotte to recruit their next Southern star.
Not only did Emily Maynard win the heart of America — oh, and Brad Womack last season — but former TopCat and current Miss Sprint Cup Kimberly Coon was also on the show.
So out of 25 women, two of them were from Charlotte. Charlotte was the only city in the nation that had two representatives on the show. That's kind of a big deal.
Cason-Point: The Bachelor producers know how great Carolina girls are.
Casting producers from The Bachelor will be at the EpiCentre (210 E. Trade St.) on Thursday, June 16. Registration begins at 4:30 p.m. and on-camera interviews will run through 10 p.m. at SUITE.
This means you can go to Alive After Five first and have a drink to calm the nerves ... or convince you it's a good idea. Either one.
They should be recruiting THE BACHELOR here, not just the girls.
Like Drew Carter. He may be in Cali now, but us Panthers fans still like to claim him here in Charlotte.
Pictured above with Emily. I asked the two of them to pose for the Charlotte yearbook for the best-looking superlative. They're both so nice, they appeased my dumb idea.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Dating and Mating / Random.com The horniest place on Earth
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Jun 2, 2011 at 1:28 PM
The most awkward sexual moment in my adult life took place in Disney World, right on Main Street, Magic Kingdom where I worked as a “cast-member” in the Walt Disney World College Program.
I took a semester at Virginia Tech to study abroad, in the happiest place on Earth. An internship for which I was merely assigned a job in merchandise retail while wearing a flannel hoop skirt with a shoulder-padded blouse and bow tie.
I worked in the very last store by the exit, where everyone came after the park closed to get their 8X10 photo of the family with Mickey Mouse.
One night, in between pondering why I’m getting college credit for operating a cash register ringing up over-priced souvenirs, I noticed a younger, kidless couple waiting in line. Every time I surveyed the line to assess when I could get the hell out of there, I noticed they were surveying me. Blatantly staring at me as though they were waiting for me to make eye contact. I surveyed them back, trying to figure out if I knew them from the College Program. Not registering their faces, I just proceeded to go about my cash register typing.
After catching them eye-raping me a few more times as they patiently waited in line, I felt kind of awkward when they reached the counter. They were both looking at me seductively while holding hands and nibbling each other’s ears as they whispered stuff back and forth. Only having a minute or so at the counter they got straight to the point.
“Hey Brittney (I was wearing a nametag) … you’re cute,” the girl said to me, as though I was a man.
I found it odd and uncomfortable that a woman just complimented me flirtatiously, in front of her boyfriend nonetheless.
“Uh, thanks. Do you guys have your photo number?” I asked so I could go get their picture.
Then the guy chimed in. “We really just wanted to come talk to you.”
I could only respond with a facial expression of confusion.
"We want to hang out with you. What are you doing tonight?” the girl confirmed.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Blind Leading the Blind / Happy Hump Day Luck be a Lady ... cat
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Jun 1, 2011 at 1:47 PM
Once upon a time there was a girl — a goofy, geeky tomboy, rather — who auditioned for a cheerleading squad. A fairy godmother came along and completely made her over, and somehow (perhaps even magically) she transformed into an NFL cheerleader. I'm not going to say, "And she lived happily ever after" here, because this isn't a fairy tale. It's my story — and just the beginning of the calamity of errors that became my life.
Where in being read fairy tales did little girls confuse dreaming of becoming a princess and finding a prince, to becoming a cheerleader?
... I don't know, but I can tell you how you can live out those childhood fantasies.
The Charlotte Bobcats' Ladycat auditions are June 11, starting at 10 a.m. at Time Warner Cable Arena. But these girls aren't cheerleaders by any means, they're dancers. NBA dancers. And they have a choreographer who is All-Pro in the dance scene. So, if you're one of the many young women who need a stage, might I suggest the arena floor.
Anyone can audition ... even 6 feet tall men. See,
And as you can see, I am one of the judges for auditions. But I don't judge, I just like to dance ... to the beat of my own drum, much like the tall guy in a wig pictured above.
You can find information on auditions here. Goooooo You!
