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Monday, April 6, 2009
Boomer with Attitude / News Satire Alert: Chamber welcomes big news of heroin upswing
Posted By John Grooms on Mon, Apr 6, 2009 at 1:28 PM
In a development no one expected, the Charlotte Chamber will hold a press conference later today expressing satisfaction over recent reports that one local business is doing great. Says our well-placed source, "When the folks here at the Chamber heard about the huge upswing in black tar heroin distribution in Charlotte, I can tell you there were a few high-fives around the room." Pressed for more details, the source said, "Look, everybody knows the banks are in the crapper, people are depressed and anxious, folks in Charlotte need some good business news. So we figure that the Queen City becoming a major heroin distribution center can't be anything but good for both the local economy and people's morale. You know, hey, somebody wants us, right? And, who knows, it might help some folks who are super- stressed to chill out a little. I mean, if that stuff my college roommate used to buy to help us come down from exam-week amphetamine highs was really heroin like he claimed, then all I've got to say is there should be some former bank VP's with a whole lot less stress pretty soon. Hey, who knows, it could cut down on disgruntled employees murdering people, too." Police officials were unavailable for comment.
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