The Blotter: Swamp Thing 

Nature Walk A man tried to leave the scene after a recent car accident on Rea Road in south Charlotte, only to decide that returning to face the consequences was a better move than dealing with the great unknown. According to the report, police responded to a hit-and-run call in which the suspect hit two cars near Blakeney Village and drove off. After about five minutes, the suspect called police and returned to the scene. The guilt trip didn't last long, though, and he walked off the scene and into the woods before police arrived. Officers were apparently still on the scene about three hours later when the suspect came out of the woods completely covered in mud. The suspect "smelled of alcohol and has a history with alcohol," according to the report, and was arrested.

Apple Is Garbage We all want to call the police when we're trying to do work on an Apple device and start seeing that spinning beach ball, but one man in south Charlotte had even bigger problems after someone trashed his MacBook last week. Police responded to the Ashley Square Apartments in the SouthPark area after a 46-year-old man said that a known suspect took his laptop and chucked it down the trash chute in the complex's hallway. When he was finally able to recover the $1,800 device, it was totaled.

Dockless Bike-Take With all of the neon-colored bikes laying about in Charlotte, some folks have taken to social media to express their disgust with what looks to be bright litter. One man took matters into his own hands last week, but he was not so smart about it. Local management with one bikeshare company, Spin (the orange one), filed a report stating that someone had stolen one of their $500 bikes. Note to thieves: these bikes have GPS devices in them. So when the company sees them moving around and they haven't been rented, they're going to come for you.

Don't Shoot A store owner in Uptown Charlotte did what he believed to be the right thing when a few guys stole from him last week. He soon found out, however, that he might have overreacted a bit. Police responded to the Southside Market in First Ward after receiving a call from the owner there — a man who does not fuck around. The man told police that three guys came in and stuffed their pockets with honey buns before running out of the store. The owner followed them outside with his gun and fired a single warning shot into the air, but the suspects kept on running. Police could not find the suspects, but did charge the owner with shooting a firearm in city limits and seized his Walther PK380.

Discount Double Check When most people get charged with a loan payment that's higher than they signed up for, they shake their head and go about their day. One Fort Mill wasn't going to stand for it when he received a bill from Keffer Chrysler Dodge in southeast Charlotte. Further investigation showed that the man was being charged far more than he agreed to pay. The man showed police his copy of the contract that he signed for a car loan, and Chrysler Financial showed their version, which showed discrepancies, proving that someone had forged the paperwork after he had signed it to force him to pay higher premiums than he had agreed to in person.

Smooth Move Police responded to a Smoothie King in the Steele Creek area after a guy came in for a free water and left with his thirst quenched. Employees told police the man came in a requested a cup of water, and when they turned around to pour it for him, he grabbed a tip cup holding about $6 and walked out with it.

Crimes Against Humanity A 33-year-old woman living in southwest Charlotte filed an identity theft report last week after realizing that someone with Godawful judgment was using her information to order food out of state. The woman told officers that she looked at her bank account online and realized that someone had bought $79 worth of Domino's pizza, which is bad enough, but she also reported that the suspect ordered the pizza to an address in New York City. Who the hell eats Domino's in NYC? We hope they catch these tasteless swine.

The Great Escape With all of the folks kicking doors in on a regular basis around Charlotte, it was quite a surprise to come across a report of someone kicking one out last week. Police responded to a home in the Villa Heights neighborhood and found that they had just missed the suspect in a breaking-and-exiting. A 69-year-old woman who lives at the home told officers that a man was causing a disturbance in the home, but when he observed police out in front, he ran to the back door, kicked it out and escaped through the backyard.

Helter Skelter A 30-year-old woman called police after a neighbor threatened her and her family in front of their University City apartment last week. She said that she was in the parking lot with her parents, 67 and 63 years old, when the suspect "pointed at her and commented about killing all the white people." According to the report, "based on the suspect's recent behavior, the victim felt threatened by this remark." We also think the fact that her and her parents are white may have added to the fact that she feels threatened.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.