Friday, August 26, 2011

Obama announces deal with Hurricane Irene

Posted By on Fri, Aug 26, 2011 at 10:57 AM

“The White House says Pres. Barack Obama will make a statement Friday on Hurricane Irene from Martha’s Vineyard, where he is vacationing.” — Associated Press

CL had acquired an advance copy of Pres. Obama’s statement, which we pass along here:

Good day, my fellow Americans, my vacation is now officially shot in the ass, so I hope Fox News is friggin’ happy now. With that said, the nation’s attention turns to Hurricane Irene, rapidly approaching the East Coast with winds over 100 mph. I want to reassure all Americans that we are doing all we can to avoid a disaster. To that effect, I have been in intensive negotiations with Hurricane Irene for the past 48 hours. She has been pretty intransigent and hard to come to terms with, especially considering the language barrier, as well as her demands that we hand over the entire East Coast for her to destroy at will. We have been equally fierce in demanding that she go back out to sea and leave the shores of the United States of America alone. After a few tense meetings, I am happy to report that Hurricane Irene and the White House have reached an agreement. Under terms of our deal, the East Coast Protection Treaty of 2011, Hurricane Irene has agreed to limit the worst damages to the eastern parts of North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Delaware and so on, up through the New England states, but — and here’s where we really knuckled down and got Irene to fold her hand — she will not interfere with, nor damage the infrastructure of, Washington, D.C. Once again, we have protected the interests of the average American — or in this case, the average East Coast American — and because of our tough negotiating skills, the precious capital of these United States will remain unaffected by regular day-to-day life, including hurricanes. I wish everyone a good weekend, and if you are located east of D.C., be sure to start evacuating pronto. Thank you, and God bless the United States of America, except, of course, for much of the East Coast.

Pres. Obama cant stand the rain
  • Pres. Obama can't stand the rain

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